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Our family is in the midst of one of
life’s major parenting transitions, that of sending our son
off to college. Transitioning him has been our life this
past year, and especially this summer. At times it has been
difficult, even frustrating, but ultimately rewarding as we
dropped Drew off at DePaul last Sunday. Upon reflection, it
seems life is full of transitions, this being ours of the
moment. All of us are in transitions of some sort, some more
eventful than others. The human condition is characterized
by all sorts of transitions.
The purpose of parenthood is to
facilitate the transitions of our children from infancy to
toddlerhood, on to elementary, middle and high school,
adolescence, young adulthood and independence. My parents
transitioned my brother and me out of the home into the
larger world by encouraging us to seek new adventures,
whether at colleges a long way from home, careers not of our
parents’ choosing, or residences away from where we grew
up.
Who hasn’t experienced the disappointment
of a son or daughter who has chosen a mate, a lifestyle or a
career that was different than you would have preferred? I
can remember Nanci telling me that when she announced to her
mother that she was going to seminary, her mother seemed
astonished, even though Nanci had grown up in the church
under her parents’ guidance. What would you expect? But the
world has different expectations and priorities.
In connection with these moments, one of
the developmental tasks of childhood, adolescence and young
adulthood is discovering and affirming one’s identity. What
then defines our identity—family ties, religious ties, a
sense of vocation and calling, a mission statement, one’s
dreams and ideals? Jesus, we learned in the Lukan passage,
found his identity by affirming his relationship to God.
This, however, had implications for his family, and as Jesus
in Matthew’s account so starkly stated, following Jesus can
be devastating to families. The reality for all our children
is Luke’s unique rendering of this story which he bookends
in verse 40 and 52: “The child grew and became strong,
filled with wisdom; and the favor of God was upon him.” Then
he concludes this episode in verse 52: “And Jesus increased
in wisdom and in years, and in divine and human favor.”
Now isn’t that our dream for our children
even in the midst of all the rocky in-betweens? Who hasn’t
experienced that our children’s and young adults’
transitional choices often lead to tensions within the
family? Mary’s rebuke has been spoken by us many times:
“Son, why have you treated us so?” Mary’s reaction is true
to life, don’t you think?
Matthew takes the story further in a
teaching by Jesus, out of his own experience. The text
reflects a real situation where people had to choose between
their family and their faith. Matthew postulates that
loyalty to Jesus has priority over even the closest human
relationships.
The first words spoken by Jesus in the
gospels are: “Did you not know that I must be about my
Father’s business?” This is the King James Translation
version, which I prefer in this case. These words reflect
the divine imperative that he fulfill God’s purpose for his
life. This is the fundamental question we all face: What is
God’s purpose for our lives? The answer to this question can
involve conflict with family and friends. Ask any teenager
who follows Christ and has been ridiculed by his/her peers.
A story from my own experience
illustrates for me the Matthean story about family strife in
serving Jesus. It was one of those Bible stories that I
found difficult to comprehend until it happened to me. When
I felt God’s call to the ordained ministry in the midst of
an upwardly-mobile banking career and announced the same to
my parents and in-laws, their reaction was not just shock
but, “How could you!” I was told: “These are your best
earning years. You have family obligations, children to
educate, a wife (their daughter) to support. You can’t
abandon these responsibilities”….as if somehow serving God
precluded these matters. Their anger and even disappointment
was apparent, and a rift was created with my in-laws.
My mother was no more supportive. “You
what? Where did that come from?” This was the same mother
who saw to it that I went to church every Sunday, studied
the catechism and was confirmed. I’m not sure she ever got
over it, or should I say understood it. My in-laws
eventually came around. But even my children were bewildered
as our lifestyle changed when we left our 4,000 square foot
home on half an acre in Houston and a six-figure salary and
lifestyle for a suburban bungalow one-half the size on a
small lot in Austin and no income. It was not until my
eldest daughter graduated from prep school that I felt she
was finally reconciled to my vocational choice when I was
asked to offer the benediction at her graduation. Time has
healed a lot of family fissures over God’s choice for my
vocation.
One of the most critical transitions
today is the reordering of the economic landscape and its
impact on our employment expectations. The world is indeed
flat. As an economics major, I observe the fundamental
changes our economy is undergoing. My call to ministry has
been centered on helping persons in job/career transitions
from my experience of the oil bust in Texas in the 1980s to
the real estate bust in Florida in the 1990s. Yes, downturns
happen in places other than Michigan. These economic
upheavals created tremendous stress for those who thought
their world would never change.
The economy has fundamentally changed
from a seniority-based pay system to a pay-for-position
system. We are witnessing the death throws of the labor
movement simultaneously with the death throws of
paternalistic management and corporate welfare, where the
employee was assured of lifetime employment with a
retirement pension and extensive company-funded family
health benefits. The assumption for my generation was one
career and steady improvement in our financial situation. I
remember joining the bank expecting a long-term career with
ever-rising titles and pay if I did my job.
Then the environment changed to a “What
have you done for me lately?” mentality. The old covenant of
loyalty between employers and employees is vanishing. It is
a brave new world. Our children can expect seven careers and
multiple job changes. This change is reflected locally in
the reshaping of the auto industry, which brings significant
anxiety to our community.
There are other equally challenging
transitions in life, merely managing the stages of our own
development:
school/job/independence/marriage/children/empty-nesting/middle-age/retirement/
aging, and ultimately, death. There are relationship
transitions: first loves, divorce, and even death. There are
health transitions—some sudden, some slow—and even
unexpected transitions such as natural calamities (think
Katrina).
Whatever stage you are in, you are
probably experiencing some form of transition! The question
then becomes: How does one manage transitions…or perhaps
better stated: cope? There is the go-it-alone method by
trial and error, relying on your own resources as the rugged
individualist….the Father Knows Best approach,
relying on another perceived expert…..or, popular since the
sixties, therapy….denial, always a favorite….support
groups….drugs and alcohol, also a favorite….friends, family,
soul mates…. the example of Jesus, the Bible, colleagues,
self-help books and even the church. Whatever choices you
make, it is probably wise to have some coping mechanism
beyond your own innate resources.
I would like to offer a formula for
coping: The Four Ps of Transition Management—Preparation,
Prayer, Patience and Perseverance. Preparation means
anticipate! Many transitions are predictable, and denial
doesn’t work. Patience and Perseverance remind us that “Rome
was not built in a day,” nor do all transitions go smoothly
or have a happy ending. Prayer is the glue that can sustain
you. It is not about self help, but about community help and
church family help.
Where do you go for the resources? I am
going to boldly state: Look no further than your church and
its ministries found in Home Again. To help parents
navigate the transitions of raising children, we have
multiple groups such as GRIP (Growth, Relationships,
Inspiration and Partnership), Parents of Adolescents,
Parents of Tweens and Teens, Single Parents, Parents of
Multiples, and I’m sure some I have missed. There is even a
support group for parents and relatives of members of the
armed services being formed this week by a concerned parent
of a son serving in Iraq for the second time.
For those in job transition we have Fresh
Perspectives, our coaching and mentoring ministry. For those
experiencing life’s transition moments, there is Life after
Loss: A Journey through Grief, Journey Through Divorce,
Stephen Ministry, Adults with Aging Relatives, Unfinished
Women, Companions in Christ, and the Wesley groups, to name
just a few. These groups are why your church can make a
difference in your life transitions!
As an example of how the church family
can ease and support job transition is a member of a Bible
study group who had the courage to leave her employment over
ethical issues, following the example of Jesus. Many would
have asked how could she leave cold turkey in today’s
economic environment, especially with no prospect for a job
and limited financial resources. In her transition she was
sustained by her Bible study small group, regular worship,
her Stephen Minister, walking the CLC track to keep her
spirits up by walking off her frustration and anger, lots of
prayer support, financial support from our discretionary
accounts, tapping into our Fresh Perspectives ministry, and
above all, you the unknown ones who offered her a word of
encouragement each day. Because of you she was willing to
step out in faith, knowing her church community was there in
a variety of ways to support her.
She exemplified the four Ps for
transition survival: Preparation—she was prepared to do her
part in a job search, Prayer—never ceasing, Perseverance—a
desire to hang in there regardless, knowing God would
provide, and above all, Patience—like the Job we studied.
All of which were rewarded. She didn’t want to leave her
church family, but perhaps like Jesus in Luke’s story,
needed to be about her Father’s business even if it meant
breaking off from her church family and friends. It was the
“tiny ways and words” that sustained her, getting her
through each day. Her faith had been built up through prior
trials and tribulations in such a way that she knew God
would be there for her in unseen and often unanticipated
ways through people like you, her church family and friends.
Thus she was able to step out in faith,
and went to visit a friend in another state far away where
she interviewed for a job in her field. And a miracle
occurred. She was offered a job on the spot and found
housing on the spot, all because she sought out a friend on
faith and spent money on a trip without any promises of a
successful outcome. Then a second miracle occurred. She had
a house to sell which she had purchased only a couple of
years before, and you know what that means in this market.
Here was someone with limited financial resources committed
to a move across the country with new housing expenses and a
home here with a mortgage, etc. The buyer walked in on the
day she moved. Miracles, yes. But she stepped in faith out
of her comfort zone with the support of her church family
and her friends. Her name is Joy Steinecke, and she wants
you to know how much you all meant to her as her church
family. She has given me permission to tell her story and
use her name. Hers is one story among many I know, but I
have not received permission to tell the other stories at
this time. But be assured you have made a difference in
their lives, whether in a GRIP group, a Wesley group or a
Bible study.
I posit the importance of being connected
in a church community, no matter what your transition
challenge might be. Your church family can assist in making
transitions tolerable, if not manageable, because you are
not alone! Even Jesus had to move out of his family—or
should I say out of the familiar—to pursue his ministry. Not
all life transitions have a perfect ending. But to make them
tolerable, you need teammates and soul mates.
One of the books I read this summer was
Teammates: Portrait of a Friendship by David
Halberstam about four teammates on the Boston Red Sox in the
1940s: Dom DiMaggio, Johnny Pesky, Bobby Doerr and Ted
Williams, among my childhood heroes. The story revolves
around a trip taken in early 2001, a 1,300 mile drive by car
to visit their teammate Ted Williams, who was dying. If you
know anything about Ted Williams, he was not the most
likeable of fellows and had many off- field rocky
transitions in his life. It is the story of four great ball
players who made the transitions from sports icons to men
dealing with the vulnerabilities of growing older. It is the
story of how teammates on the field can be teammates off,
making life transitions easier because they were loyal
friends. The moral of the story is that no matter how
tragic/difficult the circumstances of your transition might
be, don’t go it alone. Listen to your teammates and soul
mates. They are maybe even seated next to you. They are your
church family. |
